Journal

Running To Get Nowhere.

rocks-in-the-wheel

We are always so busy and always in such a rush these days as humans. When we go so fast during our days trying to accomplish everything we forget what is important and to take a step back. We completely lose ourselves.

I wrote this during one of those times. 

 

Rocks in the Wheel.

A poem by Rachel Lydia

Just another average day. Today I am frustrated. It’s all too much. 

I just can’t keep up. I can’t keep running. 

But then I smile to myself because I suddenly realized that I feel frustrated. But I feel.

I take a step back…

It occurs to me that feeling anything at all is better than living in a colorless world where you’ve become suffocated in your own body. Going too fast you forget to live. You aren’t yourself when your like this. 

I wonder… How did I get here? It’s like, there are these moments in life where something catches your attention. For a short moment, you can feel your breath again. Were you even breathing at all this whole time? You’ve been driving on autopilot. You start to feel yourself in your own body. The light hits your skin and opens your eyes. You feel the space in your legs, your arms, your throat, your chest, awakening from a long dream.

Welcome home

I wonder… Where have I been? I remember I was here once before, many times before actually. When you were five years old sitting at the dinner table making arts and crafts, you felt loved. You were this person the first time you fell in love, you felt seen. When you danced to your favorite song and felt free. You were this person when your dog died and you felt sad. You were this person when you were swinging on the swings in middle school, you felt fearless. When you sang on stage, you felt powerfull. It’s the feelings themselves that bring you home.

Welcome home.

I wonder… Why did I ever leave? You realize this is all you have ever wanted, this is what you have been looking for. Chasing. Grabbing. Theres no need to rush anymore and look at the clock in a hurry. What’s there to look for? It’s here. Infinite bliss. You are it. All you wanted was yourself. Nothing else matters.

Welcome home. 

… then, just like that, gone. It slips away. You can feel it leave. The heaviness falls on you again. You try to hold on to that space and stop it but you don’t know how. Someone has spun a wheel right underneath you and forced you to move with it. Trees become lifeless. You’re listening to the music but you cant hear the words. People speak but they are strangers to you. 

What is this wall of separation you feel now? How is it that you were once everything, and now you are nothing, pretending to be everything? You forget that you have lost yourself and begin to run, as if running is the only thing keeping you alive. You haven’t the slightest idea that all you need to do is just stop running to stop the wheel.

Time passes. Maybe it’s a month, a day, an hour, and just like that, a rock jams your wheels and flings you off. You meet someone who sees your smile again. You see a child’s innocence, nature, the sky, a bird. It could be anything. So, you stop running for just a moment and suddenly you are home again.

Welcome home.

In the end, you just have to laugh to yourself because you know you will forget again, but something will always bring you back home. It’s the rocks in the wheel that we live for. I think, maybe, what I believe is that life is all about a long journey of falling in and out of love. Love, not with another person, but with the infinite being and bliss that is within yourself.

 

Be kind. Be humble. Be human. Be you.

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